I am a loner. I have times when I am very sociable, but when that time is over - I am still a loner. I get why J.D. Salinger became a recluse - sometimes the world is just a bit too much. Sometimes people are just too consumed by the wrong things. Sometimes people just don't see the important things. Sometimes people don't see what they are doing to others. When you can see this and they don't - what can you do but pull away so that you don't have to see it anymore? It's a measure of self preservation, and maybe it's not healthy, but it's better than driving yourself crazy seeing things that you can do nothing about.
This is not going to be a happy post. In fact it may be a touch morbid, but I need to express what I want to say. Perhaps then I'll feel a bit better.
Life has been a bit too out of control of late. So many bad things have happened. Not to me personally, but to people that I know. I hate feeling helpless. I hate that there is often nothing that you can do to stop bad things from happening. If you follow me on the twittersphere, you will have a bit of an idea of what I am talking about. If not, allow me to enlighten you.
The South African government decided to cut all prisoners' sentences by a number of months - 18 if I remember correctly - as such a multitude of prisoners have been released in one go. Whether or not you have a humanities brain, you know that there are implications to this. And the implications of this were felt quite heavily in my town. You must understand, I live in a small town - everyone knows everyone. So if someone you know has been attacked, it is much the same as being attacked yourself. Whilst there had been a small spike in crime shortly after the release, the major onslaught happened the Thursday preceding last weekend, and stopped on Sunday night. Many houses were broken into, including that of my doctor. They waved a gun at him from the other side of his sliding door at his home. Fortunately he could press his panic button and the felons ran off. Quite a few houses in my part of town were broken into. But what had me most shaken up was that my neighbour - who lives across the street from me - was not only robbed, but quite badly assaulted by these criminals on Saturday night last weekend. He had to be transferred to a hospital in Port Elizabeth, he was so severely attacked. I shall not go into the details of what they did to him or his house, as I do not wish to share the gory details. I could not sleep for days, I still struggle to sleep right through - I am still panic stricken. I am not the only one - the whole town is still living in the shadow of fear.
Fortunately last week they apprehended 7 of the 12 criminals. Now I cannot tell you the relief that I feel that these brutes have been captured, but I am still very afraid because there are still 5 criminals on the loose. I cannot tell how how scared I still am, because what is stopping criminals from other parts of the country from coming here and doing the same thing? It is a very tiring thing being so afraid all the time. The government that is supposed to look out for the best interests of its people - those who are law abiding and pay the taxes to keep the country running are not seen as important. If they were, well no criminals would be offered any leniency. But I don't want to go into this, I have said what I want to say on Facebook.
Last week I also learnt that one of the girls I taught last year was raped. What is wrong with this world that someone would do such a vile thing to a 10 year old? It is sickening. I am so angry that I want to punch someone in the face. Of course justice does not really exist in South Africa for victims of rape. Again, I do not want to dwell on this, because I'll just end up releasing a string of profanities. This just helps to show me that the world is an ugly place, a horrible place. And I don't understand why anyone would want to have children to subject them to the horrors that so many face.
But to get back to what I said before, I completely understand why J.D. Salinger was a recluse. I started writing this post well before all these awful things started happening. This was in no way started by the fear that I feel. What has happened, has wrenched me out of my safe place that I have created for myself in the books that I read. I want to go back to that safe place. I want to be as oblivious as I was before. I don't want to be afraid. But there is no going back, is there?
I wish that Azkaban and the dementors were real. I wish the Queen of Hearts was in charge. I wish Dorothy's house could land on some of the baddies. I wish I had Helen Hamilton's thunderbolts. I wish I had my own Damon Salvatore or Rhett Butler to look out for me. I wish that time turners were real and that you could Avada Kadavra the bad guys. But none of these wishes can come true. I can only try to get back into my own Wonderland where none of the bad things happening in the world can happen to me.