|my beautiful sister|
We knew it was coming, this time it had spread too far, chemo and radiation could do nothing to help her this time, and yet she stayed brave. I thought that knowing that her death was coming, and that it would be better because she wouldn't suffer anymore would make it easier to deal with, but it hasn't. It still hit me hard. It unsettled me. It took me back to where I was 3 years ago, lost and searching for answers.
Death is not an easy thing. It is an uncomfortable topic. No one knows what to say. Nothing anyone says can make it better. Living seems frivolous in the face of all of our impending deaths. This is not something that anyone can prepare you for. They don't teach it to you at school. It shakes you to your core, and that is what this has done to me. I have been very sad, and I have been quite angry. It is just not fair that my sister only got to see 22 years of life. It is not fair that such a beautiful and spirited person's life has to be cut so short, and yet there are disturbing people who cause nothing but destruction that go on to see more than 60, 70 years. Why? What is the point? This I have been pondering a lot lately.
I was furious at her funeral, granted I have not been to very many funerals, but I was under the impression that the funeral was about the dearly departed, and not about the people of zion and how they covered themselves in ashes. I wanted to punch the person preaching - what the hell does zion have to do with my sister? And then at the burial, everyone was so sombre and sad, which is what we should all be at a funeral, especially a funeral for someone like my sister, who was not only taken too soon, but was also a wonderful person. Flash forward to half an hour later at the cake and tea afterwards and everyone is just all so happy and noisy, and honestly I was furious. How flippant can you be? I know that life goes on, but do you have to be ready to move on so soon? The world, my world has stopped in many ways since my sister has died, I am looking for reasons, and for answers, and I am trying to see what the point is. But the world goes on, no one is going to stop the world until I am ready for it to start moving again, but why could the world not stop for those people there that day?
In preparing myself for my sister's inevitable death, I ordered Tolstoy and the Purple Chair, which I will be reviewing soon. It was supposed to arrive at the end of July, but through some wonderous way the universe delivered it to me the day after my sister died.
I once again turn to books to show me how to go back to where I used to be, but a new normal - a world that goes on without my sister. In this way, Tolstoy and the Purple Chair has been a godsend. And though I am turning to books again, I don't know how well I am going to do with the kind of reading I have done before. I am just questioning so many things that I am not even sure that I want to continue blogging. But I feel I must, so that I can have something that grounds me so that I cannot blow away as easily as a balloon, but hopefully find myself again, and regain my view on the world and the wonders within it, and sing like Freddie Mercury, because the Show Must Go On...
Does anybody know what we are looking for?
Does anybody want to take it anymore?
The Show must go on
The Show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On with the show
I have to find the will to carry on with the show
The show must go on